Saturday, June 18, 2005

True Love

From Chatting with Someone on IRC ...
Teck: Get this into your head: I DO NOT LOVE you. Your pigheaded insistence irritates me, and you are making me hate you! Now fuck off!

Seng: You are missing the point here.

Teck: Whatever. I don't care for it. I care for nothing from you.

Seng: And I do not care for anyone to get anything into my head. I can see what's real and what's a delusion. Unlike you, I am more than ready to call a spade a spade, no matter how unwelcoming or unpleasant the facts may be.

Teck: Oh please! Dont give me any more of that bullshit! So it is a fact I do not love you! Now go away! Get out of my life! Is that not fucking clear to you? Stop bugging me!

Seng: And it is a fact too that I love you, and I can't help it nor stop it. Not even if you kill me.

Teck: You love me? Then give me what I want!

Seng: Not everything you want is good for you. I love you. I give what is good, and not necessarily what you want. If it cost me my life, so be it. Love don't count costs. I do not fear death, and so I can love truly.

Teck: What is good for me is what is good for me. I do not need you to tell me. I hear whatever and whomever I want to hear, and it is definitely not you! Get it? If what I want kills me, so too be it! I rather die than listen to you. My loathing of you is even greater than my fear of death itself. Is it not obvious you are now most obnoxious thing to me. And yes if you keep pushing I will have no qualms killing you, if only to stop hearing another word from you!

Seng: This is off course an extraordinary situation. We are not friends. We are not strangers. We are not even enemies, for enemies mutually hate each other. I cannot hate you, not ever. I can only love you.

Teck: Love! Love! Love! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I am sick and tired hearing you say you love me endlessly and shamelessly! It makes my skin crawl, my hair stand, and my heart turn to hate you more and more!

Seng: Then I wont say it anymore. I let my acts speak for themselves. So if you see a child about to be hit by a car, will you not do everything in your capacity to save that child? If the child you saved then turns around and say he hates you, that he rather be hit by the car then be saved, how then do you feel?

Teck: If the child wants to kill himself, it is his choice and you ought to respect it.

Seng: There are right and wrong choices, and child may not know how to choose. What you just said illustrates the very reason why I am what I am to you, despite your fierce, cruel, and unjustified rejection of me. For my heart is much pained and distraught at the corruption you have become to say such things. So even if I fail, even if I die, yet I will strive, to stem the tide, to be the lone and forlorn voice to speak against the corruption that is in the world, that sweeps you along and seduces you with its false promises of pleasures and happy life.

Teck: Oh fuck! Stop it! Speak another word and I will kill you! And that's not a threat. It is a fact!

Seng: If you kill me it will only vindicate me and affirm what I have been saying all along. You are no longer who you are. Now you cant tell good from bad. Good is bad to you, and bad, good; right is wrong, wrong, right; and love is hate, and hate, love. And even as you reject my love, I reject your hate. And whereas you fear my love, I fear not your hate.

Teck then turned sharply and walked away, hard and fast. Seng, a little surprised, started of after Teck and soon caught up, and stretched out to take hold of Teck's hand. As their hands touched, they both felt a tingle, a shiver ran through them, and they gasped and stopped dead in their tracks, still holding hands ...

Seng: It's a long time since I last held your hands ...

Teck turned, and they looked deep into each other's eyes, and were silent for a time.

Seng [eyes closed, whispering]: Teck can you - for both our sakes - please step out of yourself, and take a look at yourself. Can you ask yourself have you ever hated someone like the way you hated me? Can you not see that your hate for me is unfounded, unreasoned and unreasonable. And have you rejected a friend they way you rejected me? Who have not hurt his friend in one way or another, but is that sufficient reason for you to utterly reject me, or anyone else, as you have done?

I cannot accept it.

It cannot be so and it must not be so, both for you and for me: for me because it is unjustified, and for you because it makes you unrighteous. We both needs restoration, and it is in our hands to do it.

God can forgive our sins against Him, but only we can forgive each other our sins against each other.

Why do you hate me so? Why? Why? Why? You must ask why. You cannot run away from these questions. Please dont run away but stay and work at it. Please dont say there is no need. Please dont say you are not interested. These things are you and your real self. You must get to know yourself as you really are.

And this is one reason and one role I am to be to you and for you. I am to be with you and to help you think through and sort out the mess that is you. I am to reflect back to you what you are, help you come to terms with yourself, and to see the truth about youself and thereby become free of yourself and then to go on to become the beautiful you I have seen from the beginning. You are yet a caterpillar but I have seen the butterfly you are to be.

In a sense it was good for you to express all that hate and anger at me. And maybe I am the only one who can draw this out from you. And now you can see who you are. Now is a time of healing. Now is the time for building. Now is the time for growing.

Maybe it is your psychological response and coping mechanism to this strange thing called love, something you say you seek, but you dont really know what it is, and when you sensed it, actually fears it.

Love is something that makes you drunk, transform you into someone strange, and transport you to places unimagined and unimaginable, and open your eyes to see things unseen.

But what you have sought was sex and not love, mere physical gratification and not the spiritual union of two souls becoming one. So you feared it, and you ran away from it, and when it comes after you, you put up your defences.

And one of which is rejection. As you have no rational reason to reject it, you responded with rage and aggression, and created this unfounded hostility and hatred, to give you a sense of justification for your rejection.

But you know it is love, and instead of responding to my love, you exhibited transference. The emotions and desires due to me are unconsciously shifted to another person, such as you wearing the orange T-shirt - which I very much like to see you in - hoping to attract someone who you have thought was very much like me. And then to consider John as a friend forever, when we are suppose to be friends forever. And then of course you also exhibited many times over, denial and self-deception.

But now you have had the taste of the world and what gay relationships and all its sex are all about. You have eaten as much as you wanted. But sex is a food that will never satiate. Anonymous and mere sex gives you a high, but a deep sense of emptiness overwhelms you after it, which will only draw you back to more empty sex. And the circle turn visciously, and you are trapped. Do you not want to get out of this meaningless, futile and wasted life?

So Teck, please hear me, hear me truly, if only just this once.

Teck: OK. Just this once. I have to go off now. I am tired. Let me sleep on it. I promised I will get back to you.

Teck walked away. Seng stood and watched until Teck disappeared from sight.

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