What is Sex?

It will be generally agreed that the following are sexual acts on a decreasing scale of sexuality:

• anal penetration (and/or vaginal penetration in the case of straight sex)
• blowjobs
• mutual handjobs
• hugging in the nude
• hugging not in the nude
• hands-holding
• looking into each other's eyes
• masturbation
• fantasising
  

(Kissing is somehow difficult to fit into this continuum. In an ONS parties would rather be penetrated than kissed.)

Now somewhere along this continuum these acts become sex; but where this happened is seemingly a long unanswered question, from what I have read and heard.

There are possibly three categories of people in this respect.

• only penile penetration to be sex, anything else is merely 'foreplay'.

• any form of genital contact, with any other part of the body - yours or another's - through the clothes or in the nude, is sex.

• finally at the other extreme there are those who would consider even looking into the eyes as sex. And to think about sex is also sex.

But then is a doctor fondling your testicles to check for testicular cancer or fingering you to check your prostate, sex? And also it is certainly not sex if a nurse - even a gay handsome hunky male one - is to see you in the nude, and you get an erection thus being seen, although you may wished it is. And what if your male office colleague, whom you have a crush, accidentally brushed against your crotch, or you brushing his, and you felt his shape, size and position underneath? That is not sex too, although you may exploit the opportunity and let your hand linger a little longer than justified as accidental.

We must then conclude then, that sex is not entirely physical, ie it not merely physical acts. The motives or intentions behind such acts do matter too. So sex is not merely what you do, but also, if not entirely, why you do, ie you can apparently be having lunch with someone but because of what you both have in mind of each other, you both are actually having sex instead of lunch.

Sex is thus some sort of physical act - which may or may not involved the genitals - but more importantly, for which deliberate sexual arousal or pleasure is desired or intended.

And thus my view of sex is this: sex is the physical expression of love.

But I beg the question.

For what is love? and what if it is a physical expression of lust instead? And surely lusty sex is more sexy and sexual than merely love can ever arouse. And also what is the difference between love and lust?

Now, of course, there is love and there is love.

There is the love of your parents, your parents' love of their children, love between siblings, friends and neighbours, the love for your pets, your job, your cars, etc etc. And then there is the love between lovers.

So is the physical expression of love between parents and children, or between siblings sex? Most will, without hesitation, say no. But then there are such things as incest too.

And certainly it is also not sex when you expressed love for inanimate objects like your car and your hobbies (or your dildos), or to non-humans, like your cat or dog. It is also clear that bestiality is another topic, and is another type of 'sex' altogether.

Then what about physical expression of love between friends, such as handshakes, hugs and even kisses? Is it sex? Well things can become grey here I suppose, but to a larger extent they are non-erotic, ie does not and not intended to evoke sexual arousal and therefore not sex (but this is really a little circular argument).

So we are left with only the expression of love between lovers. Now what is this love that is different from all the other kinds of love?

And here I will introduce another concept, namely that of Eros: the love between parts of the same; the emotions, the sensations, the feelings, when two persons are made complete in each other. And Eros is that which propels people to seek their other part (or parts?) to complete each other.

Eros is the love one has for the flesh of your flesh, the bone of your bone, between one of the same soul.

Such a notion is not only implied and present in the bible - namely that between Adam and Eve, David and Jonathan, and also, some have argued, between Naomi and Ruth - but also articulated by Plato in one of his dialogue - Symposium - in which a speaker by the name of Aristophanes expounded this concept. Here Eros is the desire to regain wholeness, a wholeness that existed in the beginning, and the desire to be merged with the other to become whole.

A fresco taken from the north wall of the Tomb of the Diver
featuring an image of a symposium

And thus sex is the physical expression of such a love, namely Eros.

It sounds like I am stating the obvious, but it is not, for now we can make a distinction between Love and Lust, and perhaps also between 'sinless' sex and 'sinful' sex.

Lovers' love is that arising from true Eros, ie between two people that belongs to each other.

Lust on the other hand is the desire for the physical pleasures of genital stimulation, as aroused physically by the thoughts, sight, smell, touch, taste, etc of genitalia or other parts of the body, of your own, or of others, of human or otherwise, or even of inaminate objects like shoes, shorts, socks, etc, or psychologically, such as being in a position of vulnerability or surrender, or conversely of domination and of ownership, and thus you have S&M. Such stimulation do not need Eros to be stimulating. And thus you can lust and have sex with strangers and people you don't know. But these people must be of your 'types' physically or psychologically.

'Sinless' sex is the physical expression of pure genuine Eros, and sinful sex anything else.

But Eros, like everything good, is corruptible, and you may, if you are cynical, say, thoroughly corrupted too these days. And Eros corrupted is a desire to make your own what is not yours or what you think is yours. And examples of sex arising from corrupted Eros are such as rape, incest, molest, etc.

Now, if you think about it, Eros actually is gender-neutral.

It is merely the love between parts that 'belongs' to each other. The gender of these parts is merely incidental.

And also, if you think further, in an ironic twist, Eros really has nothing to do with sex. It is the sinful corruption of the world that have associated it with everything erotic and sexual.

For Eros need not be expressed physically at all. It is merely that which is the reason for the unity and oneness of parts. Whether such a oneness is expressed or not, does not change the fact of the unity and of the Eros that exist between these parts. And Eros can be expressed in ways other than physical too. The awareness of being of one mind, of one spirit, and acting as one man with the same purpose are also expressions of Eros.

Physical expression or sex is thus not necessary. It is also inadequate for the fullest expression of this oneness we feel for another. For as long as we are in this physical body, no amount of 'physical expression' can really unite us to another, even if we are biologically made for it, as between male and female. Life as it is will not allow us to be constantly together physically. And then one day we all die. Thus the only true union, or rather reunion, is in the spiritual realm, and we can be apart in space, and even in time, and in body, and yet be of one spirit, eternally.

And finally, kissing: To me it is perhaps the most sublime physical expression of two souls being one.